[ Disarray ]

 dis-ar-ray:

noun.  disorder - mess - muddle - confusion - clutter - muss

verb.  disarrange - disorder - derange

 

Aka.... my world. 

 

My world seems to be in complete disarray lately. 

I believe 100% that everything happens for a reason. 

I believe 100% that God trusts me, which is why my world is upside down.

I believe 100% that everything is going to be okay.

 

I've spoken to few people about my crazy life lately. Not something I enjoy talking about. But one "friend" said I should write down my thoughts. Yes, my "friend" is rite. I should. But I can never come up with what to write. 

 

Here goes the last idea I have.... writing.

  

One of my greatest weaknesses is setting myself up for failure. I hold such high standards for myself... standards I have proven time and time again, can't be met. But I continue to do it....

 

I strive to be the best friend, sister, daughter, aunt, and girlfriend known to mankind. Feasibly impossible.... one can dream, rite???

 

I wear my heart on my sleeve and everyone always comes before Cami. A lot of people don't know that about me. I am hurt easily.... would you have known? 

Until you get to know me, I am a pretty tough chick. I can handle my own [usually]. But, sometimes, God tells me to quit being so stubborn, drop my pride, and let the weaker person beat me down. Why? No Idea!

 

I treat others the way I want to be treated. If I treat you with the utmost respect, I expect that back. Another downfall of mine. Nobody will ever be like me. Nor will they treat me the way "I" want to be treated. Everyone is different. I am working on remembering that.

 

I have OCD. Yes, I said it. OCD. It's not a bad thing. Usually. 

Usually my OCD makes me clean. That's good, rite?

Other times, when my mind and body aren't in control, my OCD freaks out. Like an evil demon inside of me. I [and my OCD] realize I am not in control of what's happening.... that clearly spells disaster. 

 

I over think about over thinking. 

 

I am not perfect. I know this. But my standards tell me that I should be perfect. But what is the definition of perfect??

 

My world has come crashing down. My world is in complete Disarray. I am at a loss... I have no idea what to do.... 

Actually, I do know what I need to do.... I need to quit holding my breath and stop holding such high standards for myself.

 

I feel as though I have failed at being the "perfect" girlfriend -- I don't always treat my "boyfriend" with utmost respect. I often beat him down just to show that I am weak. 

 

I feel as though I have failed at being the "perfect" sister -- My sisters are my world. Do I show/tell them that? Nope. How come you might ask? No idea... if they die before I do, I will have a lot of regrets. I'm working on that.

 

I feel as though I have failed at being the "perfect" daughter -- I have gone golfing with my dad once. Golfing is my dads world, and I have gone ONCE!. I'm going to work on that. I wish I were closer with my mom... she is passionate about mountain biking yet I have never seen her bike. I will work on that.

 

I could go on and on... but for those of you that I love and care about, be patient with me. I am working on "Me" now. 

 

I have never prayed so much in my life. I've never "relied" on praying to ease pain. But recently, I've found that it relieves stress... sets my mind at ease. I have also turned to my bible. Yes, my bible. The dust on that thing was embarrassing... but since I have started reading it again, I have felt a little more at ease. I have felt like I can do this. I can get through anything that God puts in front of me. I am a strong woman.... 

My favorite verse so far...

I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

So, for those of you that haven't given up on me yet... be patient with me. I am working on making "me" a better person.

For those of you that have given up on me.... kick rocks. It's time to focus on me and me only! 

New and improved Cami coming soon! Stay tuned!